We’ve headed into the season of major wine events, so it was particularly timely to receive an email from Hedges Family Estate titled, “Rules for Attending a Wine Festival.”

Not only was it timely, the words rang true according to several winemakers we’ve talked to over the years.

It’s also pretty funny.

So props to Hedges Family Estate – enjoy!

Rules for Attending a Wine Festival

by Hedges Family Estate, Red Mountain, WA

• Don’t tether your wine glass to your neck.
• Don’t pinch your fingers and say, “Just a little.”  Dump it if you don’t want to finish it, but I’m going to pour as much as I damn well please.
• Don’t violently lift your glass mid-pour and say, “That’s enough.”  Same deal as above.
• Don’t say, “Give me the biggest thing you have.”  This isn’t NASCAR.
• Let “smooth” take the day off from your vocabulary… the whole day.
• Don’t shove.  I mean… really.
• Don’t say you hate Merlot. We all saw Sideways. Guess what: Miles didn’t want to drink Merlot because it reminded him of his ex-wife. That bottle he drank in the end—his most precious bottle—had a ton of Merlot in it.
• Don’t tell every winemaker about the winery that was down the street while you lived in Lodi.
• Don’t ask how the wine scored… ever.
• Do wear a “Wine’er, Dine’er, 69’er T-shirt.
• If you are going to wear one of the those little food trays that has a cutout for your glass, you better be damn sure you are cool enough to wear it.  Note: no one is that cool.
• Over-buff late thirties guy: Don’t try to impress your date by contradicting me.  You’re going to fail.  Yeah, try me.
• Don’t lick your glass… pig.
• Don’t talk about your sulfite allergy.  There is a good chance you have no idea what you’re talking about.
• Don’t dump into the water pitcher.  And always look before you drink out of it.
• Practice spitting at home; it will come in handy.
• Don’t talk about the legs after you swirl the glass.  Here’s a tip: the legs don’t matter.
• Don’t take your heels off and puke in the lobby.
• Don’t ask what the most expensive wine on the table is.
• Keep the rim of your glass food free.
• If you proclaim that you don’t like white or rose, we will make fun of you when you walk away.
• NO Perfume!  And go light on the lipstick, honey.

Do you have any tips or rules to add?

Cheers!